Confessions
by HB rules
Summary: Endgame fixer. Set in and after Endgame. Chakotay finds Admiral Janeway alone in the Mess Hall, and their talk leads to him starting to rethink everything he thought he had been sure of. Was a one-shot, now a way to end the series like we all knew it should. Very J/C. New chapters now up!
1. Chapter 1

**Okay so basically I am procrastinating writing my dissertation and this happened in the space of about two hours. My first actually published Star Trek fanfiction, though I have written a fair few that I have as of yet not finished or published.**

 **Set in Endgame, a conversation between Chakotay and Admiral Janeway. References the Venice scene from Distant Shores and some other things from Mosaic that are usually common knowledge but not 100% key to the plot. Explained at the bottom of this chapter.**

 **Hope you enjoy it**

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Chakotay walked into the silent mess hall, hoping for a moment of contemplation before what was bound to be a great battle. He had learned the hard way to never underestimate the Borg, and what they were about to do seemed on the surface to be a ridiculous and reckless task. But, as always, Chakotay knew that there was far more to it. He knew that even if they failed in their attempt to get home using the transwarp hub, if they could somehow cripple the Borg in the process then it would be a price worth paying for the greater good. He agreed with the Captain's decisions and understood her motives, yet he did question those of the admiral. There were things she had told the Captain, he knew, and these were things Kathryn would not share with him. He both wondered and feared what she knew that was powerful enough to sway the Captain's initial decision to take a path that did not place them in the way of the Borg.

He was about to walk over to the replicator when he caught sight of a shadow moving before the window. At first he was cautious, his breath catching at the sight of a mysterious figure, but as she moved into the light his anxiety lessened and was replaced with something far more complicated.

'I'm sorry, I didn't mean to disturb you.'

She held up her hand and waved him off in a move that was so like Kathryn, his Kathryn, that it gave him chills.

'No need to be sorry, this isn't my ship,' she said frankly, moving a few steps towards him and stopping to leave a distance between them, as though she had remembered something and decided to hold back. 'I just needed a moment to clear my head before…well before I change history.'

'Have you not already done that by being here?' Chakotay reminded her. The admiral nodded, smiling sadly.

'Yes, I suppose I have.'

Silence hung between them for a moment, despite the fact that both had a hundred questions burning in their chest for the other. Chakotay decided to break the ice and move towards the replicator.

'The Captain said you favour tea nowadays,' Chakotay started, 'can I offer you a cup?'

'I think I might stick to the old classic,' she answered lightly. 'If we're about to face the Borg I'll need all of the caffeine I can get.'

He chuckled, replicating her a black coffee and closing the space between them to hand it to her. She accepted it gratefully, clearly relishing her once favourite beverage as silence fell once more.

'I wish I could ask you everything I wanted to,' Chakotay said eventually.

'You can,' the Admiral told him honestly, 'but I don't know what you would do with the answers. Everything has changed now, and will change from this point on regardless of the outcome. It is likely that any information I have about your future will no longer apply.'

Nodding thoughtfully, Chakotay sipped his tea.

'I shouldn't be here, I know that,' the Admiral said quietly. 'It's selfish. I didn't mean it to be, but the Captain's reaction has made me realise that it is. I have no right to decide how the future should pan out, I'm no deity.'

'Then why don't you go? Leave us back on the path we are meant to take?' asked Chakotay. The Admiral looked up and smiled at him, but her eyes glistened with tears. He saw then the depth of the pain that lay there; the unbridled despair that couldn't be veiled behind the mask that he knew Kathryn always wore. It hit him squarely in the chest, and made him want to take her in his arms and ease her burden. He had to remind himself again that this wasn't his is Kathryn. He didn't know what this woman had been through, what had turned her away from the moral obligations of command and onto this almost rebellious path. But when he looked into her eyes, he knew she had her reasons. And he expected that if he heard them, then he wouldn't be in the least surprised that she had come back to change things.

'I can't go back,' she said quietly. 'I…I can't. I'm not strong enough to accept that my future is the only one possible for this crew. I have to believe there is something more.'

'If this doesn't work then we'll have no future,' he reminded her.

'It will,' the Admiral answered stubbornly, wiping her eyes, 'it has to. I didn't plan on my younger self being quite so righteous, but then again I'd practically forgotten who I was back then, back now…'

She shook her head, looking down into her coffee.

'I made so many mistakes. I ruined the lives of everyone on this ship the moment I destroyed the array.'

'Then why not go back? Save Voyager from ever being lost in the first place?'

'Temporal mechanics,' she grinned, the same lop sided smile he saw in Kathryn; though he saw it far less nowadays. 'If I stopped Voyager leaving, then what of you and the Maquis? I would have fought and probably died in the Dominion War alongside my crew, yours would have been adrift had you survived the confrontation with the Kazon and Ocampa would have been at their mercy. We had to come to the Delta Quadrant, it was inevitable. I studied every point I could think of, Voyager's entire history. This is the best shot we ever had of getting home, before we did, and it is the only chance to save-'

The Admiral paled, stopping herself. 'I've said too much.'

'We lose people, from here on out?' Chakotay guessed. The Admiral nodded slowly.

'The next few years are some of the most difficult I have ever encountered,' she explained darkly, not quite meeting his eyes. 'Even when we get home, the cost of having been gone too long was great. People suffered, died, never got to see their families again before they passed away. I couldn't bear it. I couldn't bear the weight of that suffering. So yes, it was selfish to come back. But I have to hope that my selfishness can make way for a better life for everyone aboard this ship. I'll pay the price, but you shouldn't have to.'

Chakotay's brow creased at her words, before a sudden realisation set in.

'You don't intend to survive this.'

'No,' the Admiral admitted at once, 'I've accepted that, ever since I decided to come back here. It's the only way to ensure your safe passage, and to take responsibility for the consequences of my actions. Besides, there could never be two Janeways in one universe. There's not enough coffee.'

Beneath her smile he saw both her fear and her resignation. He didn't know what to say. He knew Kathryn well enough to know that her tendency for self-sacrifice had brought her close to this a fair few times before, and that once she set her mind to this then it was difficult to bring her back. With this version of her, he sensed nothing would.

'Can I ask you something?'

Chakotay hesitated for a moment concerned what she could possibly want from him, but the knowledge that she was about to sacrifice herself to give them the chance of a better life even if it was for her own peace of mind weighed heavily with him.

'Anything.'

'You're with Seven of Nine by now, yes?'

He was surprised for a moment that she knew, given that he hadn't yet brought it up with his Kathryn, but quickly realised that of course she did. A million things rang through his mind at that moment; if she knew, did that mean they stayed together? Or did the question mean that at some point they split up and he moved on to someone else? It took a while for him to swallow these questions down and answer simply.

'Yes.'

The Admiral nodded, her fingers wrapping protectively around the cup.

'I know that I have no right to ask this,' she said, more to herself than to him, 'and I mean it breaks every rule in the book, not that I haven't already…'

Chakotay reached to her and put his hand on her arm, sensing her anxiety. She stiffened at the touch, her fearful eyes looking up to meet his and shining in a way he had never seen before.

'It's okay,' he reassured her, 'you can ask me.'

The Admiral took a shuddering breath, composing herself.

'I know everything that has happened with you and my younger self up to this point,' she tried to explain. 'Everything before now is identical, untarnished in both of our memories. So I remember New Earth, Quarra and…and even Venice exactly as you do.'

Venice. They hadn't spoken about Venice at all since it happened, they didn't need to. They had both decided that it should be left, until their current predicament no longer became an obstacle.

'Go on.'

'I know you're with Seven,' she acknowledged, 'I know that. And I probably know more than you do at this point about how you feel and how happy you are, or at least how you're going to be. But I have to admit that this selfish part of me always wondered and never got the chance to ask. Do you ever think, if things had worked out differently, about what might have been?'

Chakotay felt his throat go dry. She looked so vulnerable in that moment, frail beyond her greying hair and lined face. He knew that he owed her an answer, and a truthful one, but thinking of that would mean bringing up everything he had spent the past year or so trying to bury. Kathryn, his Kathryn, never had to know. It wouldn't change things between them. Maybe this was good for him too, to finally get to tell her the truth without having to live with the consequences. Considering his words carefully he decided to speak from the heart.

'On New Earth, when I had accepted that we would be there forever and had started getting to know you better, I think I knew that we had gone beyond a simple comradeship. I considered you a friend, and as time went on I couldn't help but wonder what could happen. When I told you that legend I meant it, every word, and part of me wanted to change the ending and tell you then.'

'Tell me what?' the Admiral breathed.

'That I was falling for you.'

There. He'd said it. There was no going back now. He took a deep breath and carried on.

'I have to admit I was disappointed at first when Voyager came for us, because I felt as though we were on the verge of something that we never had the chance to explore. Going back to normal life was hard, but I suspect it would have been worse had things ventured further. So I accepted it. But from then on I swore that I would be there for you whenever you needed me, even if you didn't think you did, and I would be by your side in whatever way you would let me. And then Venice happened.'

He remembered the day perfectly, as he suspected the Admiral did. The gift she had given him for his birthday, a representation of love carved in the symbols of his tribe, and a misunderstanding that had finally led to them talking about what could never be.

'When you told me about Justin, about why we couldn't be together on Voyager I understood,' Chakotay continued, 'of course I did. But I cannot say that it didn't break my heart. I hadn't let myself consider anything like that until then, and when I thought that maybe you were suggesting something more than friendship I let hope run away with me.'

'I'm so sorry Chakotay,' the Admiral said, her voice cracking like ice.

'Don't be,' he assured her. 'That hope was the most amazing thing, and even though I realised that it couldn't be it made me confront my own feelings. It made me be honest with myself, for the first time since New Earth. And it made me try and accept that friendship was all I could ever have with you; it made me move on.'

'You have no idea how much it hurt me to tell you that we couldn't be together,' the Admiral admitted, a single tear breaking free and falling gracefully down her cheek. 'I thought the pain of it would kill me. I can't think how long it took for me to get over it; I don't know if I ever really did.'

That admission almost shocked Chakotay, and he wondered how far the Captain would agree with her.

'I have thought about it, whether we could have worked. Away from Voyager I wouldn't hesitate to say yes in an instant. But on the ship…I think it would have caused you too much conflict. Even if we were working perfectly together, there would always be decisions where you would question yourself and your motives because of me. You are too hard on yourself even without this added weight to bear, and I don't know if I could stand to see you in that much distress.'

'You're probably right,' Kathryn agreed, wiping her cheek.

She took his hand and squeezed it gently, brushing her thumb across the back of his hand.

'Thank you,' she whispered, smiling genuinely for what seemed like the first time.

'Did you ever find someone?' he blurted out. Her smile faded a little.

'No. Not in the Delta Quadrant, and not when we were home. There were always people who needed me more, others to worry about and things to do. I never even came close.'

'I'm sorry.'

'Don't be,' she insisted. 'My life for the past few years has been devoted to erasing myself from existence. Hopefully soon there will be nothing to feel sorry for.'

She squeezed his hand again and let it fall from hers.

'I should go. The Captain wanted to go over the plan one more time.'

She turned to go, but before she reached the door she turned back. 'I'm so glad I got to talk to you again, my old friend.'

As she left and Chakotay tried to sort through everything that he was feeling, one thing seemed certain to him. He was not a part of the future the Admiral had come from. He was one she had lost along the way. Although the thought was odd, he was not as disturbed by this notion as he might once have been. After all the Admiral's future was almost certainly gone if not in flux, waiting to be erased as they headed for the conduit. No, what worried him more was the pain he had seen in her eyes she no longer tried to hide and how much of it his Kathryn was already bearing behind closed doors. What he had with Seven was new, but it was the first time he had felt like there was something to be explored on a deeper level since, well, Kathryn. He didn't want to put it in jeopardy because of what the Admiral had told him, and he her. But at the same time it was impossible to ignore it completely. Everything he had said had been the truth. He had loved her; he still did in a way. But the Admiral's judgement was clouded by her experiences, that much was clear. He couldn't let it mar the relationship he had with Kathryn now, who probably didn't think the same way.

With a promise to consult his spirit guide later, he left the mess hall into the unknown.

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 **Not sure whether to leave it there or carry on, it seems to fit as a one shot but I have always wanted to try an Endgame Fixer. Let me know what you think!**

 **For those who haven't read any of the additional material this is an overview of what is referenced in this fic**

 **Venice - From the short story. Somewhere in season 5, J gave C a birthday present that he thought meant she loved him but it was just supposed to mean friendship. Basically they kissed, on the holodeck in Venice, and it was beautiful but they had to have a talk about their relationship and how it couldn't happen while they were on board and they agreed to be friends thereafter, but with a sort of unspoken promise that they knew how they felt.**

 **Justin - Justin Tighe, Kathryn's first fiancé and first love who died with her father on Tau Ceti Prime when she was maybe 25/26. A reminder of her past and her ability to love, basically.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you so much for everyone's kind words of encouragement. I wasn't sure whether to continue, but I have been thinking about the potential of this story and my own desire to do an Endgame fixer and have decided to pursue it. Who needs to graduate uni anyway lol.**

 **This chapter isn't quite as long but it is quite self-contained but there will be much more to come. I have slightly changed the description now I plan to go on but the premise has not changed and from here it will go on from Endgame.**

 **Thanks again for all of the support and please leave a review and let me know what you think!**

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'This isn't going to work,' Janeway said, letting her head fall into her hands.

'It will,' the Admiral assured her, 'it has to.'

It was the strangest sensation, being told that everything was going to be alright by your future self. Captain Janeway raised her head and leaned back in her chair, looking up at herself. There was no denying it was her. Even if the Doctor hadn't confirmed it, she recognised every mannerism and inflection as her own; it was spooky. But something had driven her into a place of such darkness, more likely a collection of things. What the Admiral had told her about her future was bleak, and if she was honest it terrified her to think of Tuvok, Seven and Chakotay suffering let alone all of the others she didn't know about in more detail. Yet at the same time this all seemed so wrong. She shook her head and held the Admiral's gaze.

'We shouldn't be doing this,' she admitted. 'We should have left this well alone. And now, knowing it's a transwarp hub… at most we should engage the Borg, try and damage the hub and escape before we're assimilated. But this operation puts everything at risk. There's every chance we will perish without the chance to cripple the Borg, meaning we would die for nothing and I will not stand for that.'

'But there's also the chance Voyager could return home while delivering this blow to the collective,' the Admiral reminded her. 'There are only 6 of these hubs, and this leads to the Alpha Quadrant. We could be preventing a potential invasion.'

'Or inciting conflict which leads to an invasion that may never have happened,' Janeway countered. 'Every instinct I have is telling me that this is wrong.'

The Admiral took a step towards her, wringing her hands as her anger built.

'But what about Tuvok and Seven? What about your crew?'

The Captain stood up, squaring with her older self and steeling her gaze. She felt a brief sense of pride as the Admiral looked surprised.

'Don't you ever accuse me of not caring about my crew,' she hissed in a low, dangerous tone. 'I didn't ask you to come here. I was perfectly happy to go on my way and leave the Borg behind. This plan is reckless and unnecessary, and I don't think you are in the right mind to be commanding it.'

'What do you mean?'

The Captain softened slightly, seeing the panic and fear in her own older eyes.

'You came back here for personal reasons. You came to fix what you thought went wrong in the timeline, but it was just you who decided that. Of course I care for Seven, and I will do my best to save her from the accident now I know about it. Tuvok…we'll find a way, I know we will. But no-one should change history for the sake of one ship. I would do anything for these people, but I cannot sacrifice what I do not control and nobody should control the future.'

The Admiral sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. They both had a headache brewing.

'I know that my reasons for coming back are flawed,' she confessed. 'But my reasons for wanting this to go ahead and yours do not have to be the same for this to work.'

Janeway looked puzzled. 'What do you mean?'

'I mean that I do want to get you home so that my future will never be, but you put that aside. If I was here just here to help you through the hub, to hurt the Borg and have a shot at getting home with no strings attached and no temporal travel, if I were someone else…'

'I think we would jump at the chance,' the Captain admitted. 'But I can hardly forget who you are. You're me.'

'I know that.'

Captain Janeway looked down at the padd and ran through the plan in her mind thinking of every detail and everything that could possibly go wrong. They had tried crazier things in the past. She and her older self both knew the Borg, especially the Borg Queen, and Kathryn believed that her counterpart would do whatever she could to defeat her. She hated to admit but the Admiral was probably right.

'Starfleet are going to court martial me for this, aren't they,' the Captain sighed, sinking back into the chair.

'I don't think so,' the Admiral reasoned, sitting beside her. 'I'm breaking the temporal prime directive, not you, and I won't exist soon enough. You have scans of me, proof I was here and who I was and my ship logs. Few Captains have to deal with a situation this complex, and if we succeed then you will have done the universe a favour and delivered your crew home safe and sound 63 years earlier than yourfirs estimate.'

'That's easy for you to say, you don't have to deal with the fallout.' The Captain took a deep breath and apologised. 'Sorry, that was rather tactless of me.'

'It's the truth,' the Admiral chuckled. 'I'm not afraid of dying, you must know that. And this is the greatest cause I could possibly die for.'

'Then we better give you an impressive send off.'

The older woman turned her head swiftly and smiled. 'So that's a yes?'

'I better not live to regret this,' the Captain said, finding herself also smiling.

'You won't.'

'How about a coffee before the battle then?'

'A quick one,' the Captain agreed, 'then we must give the crew a final briefing and make sure everything is ready.'

The Admiral went to the replicator and returned with two cups.

'I think I got Chakotay's hopes up when I said I preferred tea, but I had to disappoint him once again,' she grinned. The younger Kathryn looked up at her thoughtfully.

'You spoke to Chakotay?'

She nodded. 'Just before.'

'Was that a good idea?'

'Why wouldn't it be?' asked the Admiral.

'Well…given how much you know about his future, I would have thought it would be a risk. Let alone the fact that you've seen him die and suddenly he's there before you, none the wiser.'

'Chakotay's death was the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with,' she admitted, her eyes darkening. 'It felt like losing part of myself. We drifted apart, especially after Seven, but I never stopped caring about him. And knowing that it was my fault-'

'It wasn't your fault,' Captain Janeway interrupted her.

'It was, in a way. When I found out about him and Seven I…well let's just say that I gave them their space. And when they asked me to marry them, I don't think I was as supportive as I should have been. We didn't talk the way we used to, had dinner less and less until after she died. And then I didn't know how to react, so I just kept that distance. It was the biggest regret of my life, pulling away from him. Even when we started to talk again a few years before he died, it couldn't be the same. We'd lost more people, and Tuvok was becoming more difficult to manage. It was what, ten years ago that he died? I think I miss him more each day. Sometimes I talk to him even now.'

'It must have been difficult to see him again,' the Captain said. The Admiral smiled through her glistening eyes.

'Oh on the contrary,' she breathed. 'It was the easiest thing in the world. Even though I wasn't you, I could still tell that the bond between you was, is, strong. You have to hold onto that. Don't take it for granted.'

'I won't,' Janeway promised, her own throat tightening as her emotions got the better of her, 'I swear I won't.'

'Good.'

'Did you…did you tell him anything about his future?'

'No, not really,' the older woman sighed. 'We talked about our past.'

That would mean her own past, Janeway thought, as the only things she could talk to Chakotay about would be things up to this point that they both remembered.

'Which bits?'

'The best bits,' the Admiral smirked. Suddenly her expression grew serious and she took the Captain's hand, meeting her eyes.

'It's not too late.'

'Too late? For what?'

'For you,' she whispered. 'For happiness.'

 _'Paris to Janeway.'_

'Go ahead,' the Captain said, tapping her badge.

 _'We're getting close, are we still doing this?'_

Janeway paused for a moment, looking at her older self and listening to the thundering of her own heart.

'Yes,' she answered finally, 'I'll be on the bridge in a moment, call all senior staff. We're going home.'

 _'Understood Captain.'_

'You promised I wouldn't regret this,' she reminded herself. 'Show me I can trust you.'

'I will.'

They both stood up and headed for the bridge, but the Captain could still feel the tingling in her hand where the Admiral had gripped it so tightly, almost desperately, trying to, what? Warn her? She had said it wasn't too late, but what she meant Kathryn had no idea. She wondered again what she and Chakotay had talked about, and a strange idea ran through her mind. But there wasn't time for this, for dwelling on the past. They had a future to change.


	3. Chapter 3

**Thanks for everyone who is still reading, a longer chapter this time! Really love to know what you think and if you're still with me.**

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Sitting on the bridge in her chair ordering Chakotay to set a course for home should have been one of the happiest moments of her career. It was what they had worked towards for so long, risked life and sometimes sanity for, and now Earth was within their grasp. She should have been overjoyed, and she knew it. But she wasn't.

There was no great sense of freedom or relief; in fact in that moment she felt trapped, as though she was being held in the Captain's seat against her will. Nothing around her seemed real, not the images on the viewscreen nor the people happily chatting away now that the crisis was over. They all felt so far away, as though she were half a second out of sync with the rest of the ship. All that she knew was this overwhelming sense of fear and confusion that sat heavily on her chest threatening to crush her. It was becoming harder and harder to breathe.

She needed to get out of there. It wasn't difficult to find an excuse. They were heading for home at least thirty years ahead of schedule. Nothing had been planned; none of them had been prepared for such a brief end to such a long journey. There were a million things that she needed to do, but as she turned towards the ready room she had no plans to do any of them. She just needed space.

Once the door had shut behind her, Janeway let out a breath she didn't know she had been holding. She put a hand to her forehead, closing her eyes and swallowing as she tried to sort through all of the thoughts that were rushing through her mind like an unruly river breaking its banks. In the heat of the moment with everything she held dear at stake, Janeway hadn't had the time to allow herself to feel anything. Now it seemed as though she were feeling everything at once.

It all came back to _her_. Part of her felt a sense of sadness at the loss of the Admiral, a crazy notion in itself, but mostly Janeway felt anger. That too felt like an irrational response; after all, the Admiral had been the one to get them home. But the anger was there, a white hot burning rage that seemed to threaten to take over from the fear which still rested heavily over her heart. She should never have been put in this position. She had been asked to make a decision against impossible odds in the most implausible of situations, and even though it had worked out in the end that didn't change what had happened. She could just have easily have been killed along with her crew in the attempt.

But that wasn't all. That wasn't what she was afraid of. Yes she was angry at her future self for her complete disregard of every directive Starfleet had ever issued, for manipulating her with details of the lives her future crew were going to lead and the deaths that would haunt her for years. She was angry at her for dying. It felt like the easy way out, if assimilation could ever be considered easy. The Admiral wasn't left with the fall out, the questions that everyone would ask and she would be forced to try and answer. They would make her try and account for things that she hadn't even done yet, and now would never do, and Janeway wasn't convinced that they would let her off without taking some responsibility.

So she was angry, and rightfully so she thought. The years had made the Admiral cynical, almost egotistical in thinking she had the right to alter history because she thought she knew better. Janeway wondered if the loss of those crew members had taken its toll on her mental state. Losing the council of Tuvok would have been difficult, especially after the death of Seven and the subsequent loss of Chakotay. Perhaps, like after her father and Justin's deaths, she had simply lost sight of herself and her quest to change what had happened had become the only way to try and move forward. Maybe, on that journey, she had slipped into a subtle form of madness. Just because she had succeeded, it didn't mean that what she had done was sanely justifiable. Janeway shuddered as she realised this could be the answer to the question she needed to answer: why would she disregard the temporal prime directive so carelessly?

Suddenly she felt cold, reaching her arms around herself without conscious thought. That was what scared her the most. This person, this future, was where she had been heading had the events of the past few days not occurred. How far down that path was she already? Of course now her future was unwritten, the deaths and illness that had clearly impacted her life were no longer set in stone. But that wasn't to stop other things happening. If they were attacked before they reached Earth, or even afterwards would she fall back into that haunted persona? Was that the kind of person she would turn out to be if her life suffered any hardship?

When she felt the hand on her shoulder she jumped what felt like a foot in the air and turned on her heel so fast that she almost fell before Chakotay steadied her, grasping her shoulders firmly but gently.

'Are you alright?'

Her eyes searched around for a moment to try and explain her current predicament, returning to her first officer's face to find a look of deep concern.

'Yes…yes I think so, I'm fine. I didn't hear you come in.'

'I rang twice,' he said softly, relaxing his grip but watching carefully to check that she had her balance. 'You didn't answer so I used Tuvok's security codes.'

'I- I'm sorry I was in my own head,' Janeway admitted, wondering how she had been so caught up in her thoughts that she had ignored the door entirely. 'Is everything alright?'

'Yes, everything is fine. We just received a communication from Admiral Paris instructing us to match the speed of our convey to escort us back to Earth, and requesting permission for him to beam aboard to meet B'Elanna and Tom.'

Janeway closed her eyes and shook her head, shame flooding through her as she realised she had completely forgotten about the new arrival waiting for them in sickbay.

'Kathryn?'

'No I'm fine. When is he coming? There are a lot of things I could discuss with him and it might be better done face to face, once he's seen the baby of course.'

'In fifteen minutes or so,' Chakotay answered, still looking troubled. 'You were staring off into space when I came in, you didn't hear me calling to you. What is it that's bothering you? And don't say nothing.'

Janeway sighed, relenting.

'The Admiral,' she answered simply.

'Ah,' Chakotay nodded. 'You must have a lot of questions, most of which I guess can't be answered now. I know I do.'

'Some of the things she said…'

'She was a very…sad woman,' he tried to explain, 'and I don't think we can ever really understand her. When we spoke-'

'She spoke to you?' Janeway interrupted, feeling a sudden sense of alarm. He nodded.

'We talked just before your final briefing. It was a conversation I don't think I will ever forget.'

She opened her mouth to ask more, but was interrupted by the chirping of her comm badge.

'Janeway here.'

 _'Captain, B'Elanna was wondering if we might have a word in sickbay,'_ Tom's voice asked.

'Of course, I'll be right down.'

She looked back at Chakotay, his deep brown eyes acknowledging the unspoken words passing between them; they needed to talk, but it could wait.

'I'll meet Owen when he arrives,' she said, her Captain's mask falling back into place. 'Could you watch the bridge for me until then?'

'It would be a pleasure.'

'Thank you,' Janeway smiled, turning and leaving the ready room without crossing the bridge. She remembered now the look that had passed between Seven and Chakotay, just before she had asked him to take the con. It had said far more than she had wanted to admit at first, but she realised now that it was the first proof she had found that what the Admiral had told her about her future, their future, was true. It was evidence that Seven and Chakotay had indeed started a relationship, one she technically should not know about as they had not yet decided to tell her. It was new, she guessed, but clearly meaningful judging by that look. They were going to get married after all, even if they didn't know it yet. She felt uncomfortable knowing their future before they'd had a chance to live it yet. In fact the entire thing sat a little uncomfortably with her, though she didn't know why it felt that way.

But then she remembered more of what the Admiral had said, about distancing herself from Chakotay. She said it had started when they had begun seeing each other, and giving them 'space' as she had put it had turned into the beginning of the end for their friendship. She had called it her greatest regret, and now she was standing at the precipice of it.

Janeway didn't remember most of the trip to sickbay, and was surprised when she found herself in front of the doors. She had to remind herself that this was supposed to be a happy occasion and forced her thoughts to the back of her mind, but when she saw B'Elanna, Tom and the precious bundle in their arms she didn't have to pretend to smile.

'Hello Captain,' B'Elanna smiled, looking up from her daughter.

'Hello,' she grinned, standing to the side of the biobed. 'Who is this then?'

'Captain, we would like you to meet Miral.'

'After your mother,' Janeway whispered, surprised to feel tears burning in her eyes as she looked at the radiant face of the baby in B'Elanna's arms. Her cranial ridges were less pronounced than the Chief Engineer's but sat softly across her brow above huge brown eyes which seemed to stare straight into her soul.

'Would you like to hold her?'

Janeway nodded at once, delicately taking the bundle of blankets from B'Elanna and settling the child in her arms. Miral looked up at her, staring intently with such complete innocence that it took her breath away. The little girl reached an arm up, freeing it from the confines of her blanket and wrapped her tiny hand around one of Janeway's fingers before yawning as her eyes began to close.

'She's beyond words, B'Elanna,' Janeway whispered, tears glistening in her eyes, 'both of you must be so proud.'

'We really are,' Tom beamed, kissing his wife on the top of her head. Janeway started gently rocking the baby in her arms and in seconds she was sleeping soundly.

'You're a natural,' said B'Elanna.

'I don't know how,' Kathryn confessed, 'I think this is only the third baby I've ever held.'

'Well you certainly have the touch,' Tom grinned, looking at his wife who nodded almost incomprehensibly. 'I think you're going to need it.'

'Hmm?'

'We were wondering if you would be Miral's godmother.'

Janeway's head snapped up at once. She opened her mouth to speak but words failed her, the shock taking over.

'Is that a…yes?' Tom asked, smiling at finally having left the Captain speechless.

'Yes,' Janeway stuttered at once, 'yes I would love to. It would be an honour.'

'We couldn't think of anyone better, but be warned; this means babysitting duties.'

Janeway chuckled, wiping a tear from her eye and swaying gently to keep Miral asleep.

'Don't worry Mr. Paris, I wouldn't dream of shying away from my duties.'

Tom watched the Captain for a moment, feeling pride burning in his chest at the sight of the woman who had turned his life around seven years ago holding his greatest achievement in her arms. He didn't think he had ever seen her cry, not openly, and for a moment he wondered whether there was something else bringing those tears closer to the surface. He was about to ask before she looked up, her expression still soft but more serious and her own emotions pushed back.

'Your father has made a request to come aboard,' she said gently, gauging his reaction before explaining further. Tom couldn't pretend that he wasn't surprised. He had almost forgotten they were home in the excitement of it all, and now he had to face what that would mean for his family.

'When?'

'Soon,' Janeway told him, 'very soon. I might corner him to answer some questions beforehand, but it sounded like he was anxious to see you; and to meet B'Elanna and Miral of course. Though I'm not sure anyone has told him that he is officially a grandfather quite yet.'

Tom thought for a moment, as though trying to decide how he felt, before smiling and putting his arm around B'Elanna.

'He must have turned soft in his old age,' he joked. 'Couldn't wait for McKinley Station like the rest of the families. It will be lovely to see him, Captain, thank you for letting me know.'

'I imagine there will be a lot to talk about,' Janeway whispered, gently kissing Miral on the forehead before handing her back to her mother.

'If you're not too tired later I might come back and see how you're doing, but I would guess that half of the ship will be lining up outside the door. And neither of you should even think about doing any work at all, that is an order.'

'But won't there be things to do before we reach Earth?' Tom asked.

'Yes, and when I think about how long my own to do list is getting I can pre-empt the size of the headache that will come with it, but you two have bigger things to worry about. Lieutenant Vorik can take care of the closing engineering reports before we dock. I'll draft the piloting one myself, and I might just need you to look over it for me before I submit it.'

'You don't have to do that Captain.'

'Consider it a birthday gift for Miral,' she smiled, dismissing Tom with a wave of her hand, 'at least until I can get to the replicator and come up with something a bit better. I was trying to knit a blanket but I certainly do not have my mother's touch in that regard.'

'Thank you, Captain,' B'Elanna said seriously. Janeway put a hand on her shoulder and smiled, taking one last look at the baby before leaving sickbay.

Xxx

The Captain met Admiral Paris in the transporter room not ten minutes later, and he greeted her with a warm smile she didn't realise she had missed.

'Katie,' he said fondly, putting a gentle hand to her shoulder, 'I can't tell you how good it is to see you again.'

'Likewise Admiral,' she beamed. 'I imagine you're very keen to see Tom-'

'Of course,' he agreed, 'but I think we both know that there are some matters that might best be discussed as quickly as possible. If you don't mind I would rather get those out of the way so that I can meet my daughter-in-law with a clear mind.'

'We can talk in my ready room,' she offered, leading him on the short walk down the corridor. 'Have you heard the news?'

'More news than finding you back in the Alpha Quadrant?' he chuckled. 'I don't think so.'

'Well I'm honoured to be the one to tell you that about, oh, forty minutes ago you became a grandfather.'

Admiral Paris stopped in his tracks and stared at her, his eyes gleaming with such emotion Janeway was almost taken back.

'Grandfather?'

'Yes,' she laughed, 'to a little girl. I suggest we get this briefing over as quickly as possible so I can send you on your way to sickbay to meet her.'

'I can't believe it,' he breathed, following the Captain through the doors into the ready room, 'all this at once.'

'Oh it has been quite a day,' Janeway agreed, her smile faltering only for a second. She sat on the sofa and he sat across from her, declining any offer of tea in favour of haste. He smiled at her again, but she could tell he was wearing his Admiral's cap when he next spoke.

'I'm sure there's a lot you want to know, and a lot that you need to tell me, but most of it can wait until the formal reports and debriefings begin when we get back to Earth. I would advise that we slow our approach, to give time for everything to be tied up and to prepare for your arrival; I would imagine the debriefings will start as soon as you dock, within a day or so.'

'That all seems reasonable,' she nodded. 'I was thinking we could use a counsellor on board. We've managed for seven years without one but at times it would have been very useful, and I know that for some coming home may be more difficult than others.'

'I'll arrange for it at once,' Paris assured her, 'I think the Enterprise is in the area and Troi knows about the Pathfinder project through Reg, so should be in an ideal position to understand your crew.'

'That's a very good idea,' said Janeway, looking forward to reacquainting herself with Counsellor Troi and the Enterprise crew. Remembering possibly the most important point she had wanted to bring up when she found he would be coming aboard, she pressed on.

'Tuvok is in need of medical attention, and if possible it will need to be arranged for some of his family to return from Vulcan to administer it as it is outside standard Starfleet capabilities.'

Paris looked surprised and immediately empathetic, and Kathryn thought how much he had changed since they had last spoken. She guessed that losing Tom, or thinking that he had, had served to soften him and it certainly suited him.

'Tuvok may contact anyone he chooses and direct them to us; we will find a way to bring them to him as soon as possible.'

Janeway breathed a sigh of relief.

'That will be a weight of a lot of people's minds, I'm sure.'

Her mind wandered to a topic that she had not yet even considered, but one which had been the subject of a number of discussions between herself and Chakotay particularly since they formed a data link through Pathfinder. Her chest tightened, knowing the importance of the answer to the question she was about to ask.

'Admiral…there is something that has worried me, and a lot of the crew, about coming home. I thought we would have years to think about this, but given our abrupt arrival…'

'What is it, Katie?'

'The Maquis,' she breathed, resisting the urge to bite her lip as she had done when she was a child. 'I think some of them believed they are going to be arrested on sight back on Earth, or worry that their future is unclear.'

Owen smiled at her and patted her hand comfortingly.

'With so much uncertain, I'm glad to be able to give you some good news,' he said encouragingly. 'We've had the so-called Maquis debate a number of times in the admiralty, but it only took a few meetings to make a definitive decision. I was going to bring it up in the next data stream, but I'm so glad that I can tell you in person. The Maquis have nothing to fear by coming back to Earth. Starfleet is happy to have any previous charges against them dropped without question, and their field ranks are all going to be honoured with a definite view to some promotions. Any old grudges have long since settled after the Dominion War, and they will receive no less of a welcome home than the original Starfleet crew.'

Janeway released a great sigh, putting a hand to her chest. She couldn't wait to tell Chakotay; she would let him relay the news to the other crew members himself, she knew that he would want to. Knowing that some of her more vulnerable crew members were to be accepted and safe on their return felt like a true victory, and it was one fewer battle she had to fight. Yet as quickly as the weight had been lifted from her shoulders another was put in its place.

'Now I'm afraid it's my turn to ask a question. I know it will be in your report, and I look forward to reading it, but I have to ask…how did you get here?'

The Captain thought for a moment, and decided to phrase her answer carefully. She had hoped to have at least a few days before she was going to have to answer for the Admiral, but she was clearly going to have no such luck.

'How much you want to know depends on how far you want the temporal prime directive to be broken, I'm afraid.'

The smile he had been wearing did diminish slightly at her words, and Janeway knew that wasn't a good sign. She had certainly been expecting it, but nonetheless she wasn't quite yet prepared for the outcomes of the decisions she had made.

'Someone broke it, to get you home?' he guessed. Kathryn nodded slowly. 'A member of this crew?'

'Not exactly,' Janeway sighed. 'My future self came back from the year 2404, and decided to help us to get home sooner.'

'Ah,' Owen said simply. There was a moment of silence as he decided how to proceed, and Janeway wondered whether she had missed his reply beneath the loud pounding of her heart against her ribs.

'That's probably as much as I should know, for now at least. I hate to say it Katie but this could get messy.'

'I know,' she mumbled less than enthusiastically.

'There's a new subdivision of Starfleet Intelligence that have been drafted to look into temporal incursions or timeline alterations; they seem to happen more and more often these days. I suppose most of the time we shouldn't notice the results, but in this case…'

'It's hard to ignore,' Janeway agreed. 'I can write a detailed report with everything I know, including the logs and specifications of her ship and what I know about her future. She kept it quite personal, so I imagine most of it has changed now, but I'll include everything I remember.'

'How many of the crew interacted with her?'

'A few,' she admitted. 'Seven of Nine certainly, and Chakotay but she only really talked to me about her motives, her plan and things like that. She mostly dealt with me.'

Janeway wondered if that had been a purposeful move by her older self, and wasn't sure whether to be thankful or angry. She decided to dismiss it for now; it wasn't about to change anything.

The Admiral nodded slowly, clearly thinking to himself. His eyes seemed apologetic, as though he knew things that he wasn't quite willing to share yet and Janeway could take a good guess at what those things were.

'I won't lie to you Katie, that could cause some problems. But it shouldn't interfere with the debriefings for most of the crew, and the fact that it has brought you home is not something which is going to change. They can't and won't send you back to the Delta Quadrant.'

Janeway got the underlying message. This was something she would be asked about, and something she would have to take the fall for if it was deemed necessary. For her crew, she could accept that. She had done what she had set out to do; she had delivered them home to their families, as far as was possible. If her last act as Captain was going to be to fall on her sword then she would gladly do so.

'I would perhaps not mention this to the crew,' he suggested as he rose to his feet, 'no need to worry them. But you are free to tell them the good news about the Maquis.'

'I will be sure to do that,' Janeway said, grateful of the reminder that not all was lost.

'I think I'm off to meet my granddaughter,' he beamed, not trying to keep the excitement from his face. 'I will head up preparations back on Earth, try and get as much information as I can about the debriefings if you co-ordinate efforts from here. We need full logs of the past seven years, with all key events highlighted by yourself, as well as a first contact order. A report from every team leader on ship's systems will be necessary for the handover, as well as a damage report from the battle you just faced. The crew will each need a final assessment, and you'll of course need to write not only a concluding report but a classified one on what lead you back to the Alpha Quadrant. Only give it to people who ask, and only those who are of top priority.'

'Understood,' she assured him, making a mental note and adding nearly a hundred things to her list of things to do. It was going to be a long night.

In a move that surprised her, Admiral Paris pulled her into an embrace that Janeway reciprocated thankfully. She wasn't aware of just how much she had needed that kind of warmth until his arms had wrapped around her, and she found her eyes welling with tears.

'Welcome home, Katie. You've earned it.'

She watched him go, and was about to call Chakotay to give him the good news when she saw a padd on her desk that she hadn't noticed before; for whatever reason she felt drawn to it, and went over to pick it up. As soon as she read the first line her heart seemed to stop.

* * *

 **Moving into the fallout of Endgame now and next chapter will be more of Chakotay and the Captain's reflections on what the Admiral said, and how they move forward with how they feel...**

 **Please leave a review, hope you enjoyed it!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Thanks so much to everyone who has continued to read and especially to those who have left their thoughts and comments. It's such a release to be able to just write something creatively that isn't about medicine.**

 **Hope you enjoy this chapter!**

* * *

Chakotay had planned to go back and talk with the Captain once she had finished with Admiral Paris, but he received a brief two line communication to his station asking for all non-emergent calls to be directed to him until his shift was over so that she was not disturbed. That in itself was grounds for concern, and by the time he left the bridge he found that his worries were all that he could think about.

With his mind elsewhere, he almost ran into Seven of Nine as she walked in the opposite direction.

'Commander, are you well?' she asked in her brisk tone of voice.

'Yes, yes sorry Seven I didn't see you there. And I'm off duty; you can call me Chakotay.'

'Chakotay,' she smiled warmly, 'are you free for dinner?'

'I would love to Seven, but I'm going to have to take a rain check. A lot has happened today, and I think I need to spend some time meditating.'

Seven arched a questioning eyebrow.

'Something troubles you,' she stated confidently.

'It's been a long day,' he said wearily, somewhat sidestepping her line of inquiry.

'Something specific,' she continued, her bluntness cutting straight to the point. Chakotay sighed, about to relent before she spoke again.

'Is it the Captain?'

Chakotay couldn't pretend that he wasn't surprised. She held his gaze with her piercing blue eyes as he tried to find the right words.

'How did you know?'

'You are close to the Captain,' she said, as though it was the most obvious deduction in the world, 'it is a logical assumption that you would worry about her, particularly after her encounter with her future self. My own experience was quite…jarring; I can only imagine what it must have been like for the Captain.'

Chakotay nodded, guilty at having forgotten that he and Kathryn were not the only ones the Admiral had preached to. Seven had reacted as he had, to question what she had thought she knew in trying to break off their relationship. She was probably in a better position than most to understand, yet the nature of what they had spoken about prevented him from giving everything away. This was something he had to try and discover for himself.

'I am concerned that she is taking the Admiral's actions to heart,' he admitted, 'and I think she has had difficulty coming to terms with the steps her future self took to get us home.'

'She broke the temporal prime directive,' Seven acknowledged, 'were she alive she would be under arrest.'

He had to admit that he hadn't thought of it that way, but Seven was probably right.

'I think the Admiral made quite the impression on her, as she did myself and I'm sure you as well.'

'Your concern is understandable,' the former Borg agreed, through which Chakotay felt some sense of validation. 'The Captain has a tendency to take responsibility for events over which she had no control. I hope that she will not fall into that same pattern.'

'So do I,' Chakotay breathed. 'How about lunch tomorrow? We can sit and have a proper talk.'

'That sounds agreeable,' Seven smiled seductively, reaching up to swiftly kiss him on the cheek. 'I will see you then.'

Turning to watch her leave, Chakotay's mind was a tangle of thoughts and emotions. He headed to his quarters, knowing that he needed to lay this unsettled train of thought to rest. When he arrived he dimmed the lights, taking his medicine bundle and laying it out on the floor where he sat and cleared his mind, breathing steadily. Closing his eyes, he spoke the words.

'A-koo-chee-moya. I am far from the sacred places of my ancestors. I am far from the bones of my people. But, perhaps, there is a powerful being who will embrace me and give me the answers I seek.'

When his eyes opened again he was in a bright forest that felt familiar to him, with the warm sun shining down on his cheeks. He walked a little way into the trees looking for his animal guide, but was surprised by who he found sitting on a rock by the river.

'Father?'

Kolopak smiled, standing slowly and opening his arms to embrace Chakotay.

'My son, it has been too long.'

'I was searching for my animal guide-'

'And she heard your call,' Kolopak assured him, 'but I felt your troubles from beyond this world, and knew that it was my duty to come back and help you. You called to me.'

They walked slowly down the river bank for a while in comfortable silence, taking in the beautiful day.

'What ails you, my son?'

Chakotay grinned and looked to his father.

'Why ask? You already know.'

Kolopak laughed.

'I do, but for you to try and come to terms with it you must explain it to yourself as much as to me.'

Sighing, Chakotay wondered how to describe it.

'You know of the Admiral, and of the conversation that we had,' Chakotay explained, continuing as Kolopak nodded his understanding.

'What she said…well it brought up a lot of things for me, a lot of feelings.'

'She exposed her heart to you,' his father said, 'and you felt your own heart open in return.'

'I thought that was what happened, but now I'm unsure.'

Kolopak stayed silent, waiting for him to elaborate.

'The Admiral was a very…complex individual,' he sighed. 'She knew that she wasn't coming home with us, I could see that in her eyes, and I thought that she was just asking me a question she had never found the courage to ask before. But now I wonder if she just meant to manipulate me, as she did Kathryn and Seven.'

'To what end?'

Chakotay thought for a moment, but couldn't fathom her motives without making assumptions.

'I don't know.'

Kolopak stopped walking, and turned to face his son.

'What does it matter what the Admiral meant to do?' he asked wisely. 'What matters is what you feel, what that conversation revealed to you about yourself not about her. She is gone now, gone forever, but you must remain. What is it you fear?'

Chakotay tried to focus his mind, forcing himself to remember his conversation with the Admiral and relive everything that had passed between them. His father was right; it became far clearer when he removed her from the picture, and just concentrated on what he had said, and felt.

'I told her something I have wanted to tell Kathryn for years,' he said quietly. 'I finally got to speak my mind without being worried about the consequences, about ruining our friendship, and yes that was a relief.'

'But you wanted to tell her more,' Kolopak guessed.

'I wanted to tell her everything,' agreed Chakotay. 'I wanted to say that although I understood when she told me we couldn't be together that it took my two years to even begin to accept it. I was jealous, when she was on Quarra living a life with another man. I know that it wasn't her fault and I don't blame her for it but it was how I felt. She had to let him go, just as she had let me go and it reminded me that as long as she was the Captain she was beyond my reach. When we left Quarra I meditated for a long time, and finally decided to move on.'

'To Seven of Nine.'

Chakotay nodded. Thinking of Seven made him feel guilty, although he wasn't sure why. Perhaps because he knew that he could not be honest about his feelings for Kathryn, not while their relationship was so new. It was complicated enough, with her still trying to come to terms with her humanity and him so unused to enjoying female company without having to hide his feelings.

'She came to me,' he remembered, 'which was a shock in itself. I was…flattered.'

'And how do you feel about this woman?'

'I like her,' Chakotay said, drawing Seven's face to the front of his mind. 'It's new, and so different, but I enjoy her company.'

'But your old feelings for Kathryn cloud your judgement.'

Chakotay sighed again, sitting down in the grass and looking out across the river. He wished that the tranquillity he felt this close to nature could stay with him as he listened to the gentle flow of the water and the rustling of the leaves in the wind. Life felt so much simpler here.

'I suppose the way the Admiral spoke…it made me wonder how Kathryn feels,' he thought aloud. 'She wondered what might have been between us twenty six years in the future, and it felt like…I don't know. Like she had regrets. She was to some extent my Kathryn, our Kathryn. I don't know if what happened in her future made her think about this, about us, or if she has always felt it.'

Kolopak put a hand to his son's shoulder and squeezed it reassuringly.

'You have to decide for yourself what path you must take,' he said simply. 'If you spend your time wondering what might have been then you will be no better off than the Admiral. She was your Kathryn once, but not when she spoke those words to you. There is no way of knowing how she feels, not without asking her and hoping she tells the truth. You must look into your own heart and decide how you feel, without worrying about others. That is the only way you will know peace.'

Chakotay knew that it made sense. Worrying about the Admiral's motives or whether any of her thoughts echoed the Captain's was all just speculative, and it would not resolve the discord of his own heart. He had to let those things go, and make his decisions.

'You're right of course,' he smiled, 'but that doesn't make it any easier.'

'I didn't say that it would,' his father grinned back. 'Sorry son, but the heart is never an easy foe to satisfy. If you clear your mind and listen to it, then your heart will lead you in the right direction eventually.'

'I will.'

They sat for a while, the river's speed slowing and the breeze fading away.

'My time is almost up,' Kolopak reasoned. He turned to Chakotay, his expression suddenly more serious. 'There is one thing I must warn you of before I go.'

'What is it?'

'Do not dwell in the past or the future when you are needed in the present.'

Chakotay wrinkled his brow in confusion.

'What is that supposed to mean?'

'It means that there are things and people now who need you,' he explained. 'Do not ignore what is around you, trust your instincts. The rest will become clear in time.'

Before he could ask more, his father's image faded away along with the peaceful forest and Chakotay found himself back in his quarters. For a moment he simply sat, confused, before slowly coming back to himself and gathering the medicine bundle. His father's…was it a warning? His words had seemed out of place, given what they had been talking about, but he trusted him and what the spirits wanted him to know.

Feeling drained of energy, Chakotay shrugged off his uniform and grabbed some pyjama bottoms before sliding beneath the sheets of his bed savouring their warmth. He felt a new sense of clarity as his eyes closed, knowing that even though the path ahead was not clear he could trust that it would make itself so when the time was right.

Xxx

The morning came a bit too quickly for the Captain's liking. She had planned to work late and start on the mountain of reports she had to do, but the reality had been far different and when she looked at the chronometer and saw that it was 0700 she groaned aloud and let her head fall into her hands.

She had realised too late that she had forgotten to call Chakotay to tell him about the good news, and by the time she remembered he had gone off duty. She had asked the computer to inform her when he arrived on the bridge the next morning, but still felt guilty at the oversight. Yet every time she put the fateful padd to one side and brought up the duty roster or started working on the transfer forms she found that she couldn't concentrate.

The Admiral had left it for her, encrypted with a code only she could guess, and once she had started to read it had encompassed her every thought. It was an account, an overview of sorts, of her life from the moment she abandoned the transwarp hub. It was personal, it was detailed and it was haunting. Having read it through several times there were some lines Kathryn knew she would never forget, no matter how much she wanted to, and it had only served to add to her worries about who her future self had turned out to be.

Draining the last of her cup of coffee, Janeway read through a communication from Admiral Paris and brought up this list she had made of things she had to do, adding some items and amending others. As she was finishing this the computer chirped to inform her that Chakotay had come on duty, and she tapped her comm badge to call him in.

The moment he said he was on his way she realised what a mess the ready room was, with padds scattered everywhere and three different coffee cups spotted around the room. She wondered briefly what she must look like, before quickly coming to terms with the fact that it was too late to do anything about that now. The bridge wasn't far enough away to rectify all of these things before he arrived, so Janeway got to her feet and swiftly gathered the coffee cups and was halfway to the replicator when the door opened.

'Is everything alright Captain?' he asked once the doors had closed behind him.

'Yes, perfectly,' she assured him, quickly recycling the cups and turning to him with a strategic smile fixed in place. 'I just wanted to give you some good news.'

Janeway walked over to stand before Chakotay, feeling the gravity of the situation begin to build.

'I spoke with Owen Paris yesterday,' she explained softly, 'and I asked about the situation with the Maquis.'

She felt him tense in anticipation at the mention of such as sensitive topic, possibly wondering whether it could finally be over and fearing that he was getting his hopes up.

'He assured me that any previous charges against the Maquis have been long forgotten. Owen has assured me that all ranks will be honoured, and there will be no animosity or consequences for any of the Maquis. They've buried that conflict, Chakotay, for good. We are coming home as one crew.'

Janeway could feel the relief emanating from her first officer, his expression brightening and his eyes gleaming as the reality finally set in. Her own heart seemed to soar, experiencing some of the joy she had expected to feel when she brought her ship home.

Chakotay surprised her by wrapping his arms around her. At first she stiffened, her natural reaction being shock, but the warmth of the moment and the sense of closure that her crew was safe relaxed her at once and she put her arms around his neck and embraced him. They had only hugged a few times before, usually after a particularly close brush with death; but this was different.

It wasn't the same as when Owen had hugged her the day before. In Chakotay's arms she felt safe, she felt valued, and she could feel the strength that she had always drawn from him, something that she needed now more than ever. She held onto him tightly, her chin resting on his shoulder, and she remembered some of the Admiral's letter.

 _As I stood over Chakotay's grave telling him what I was about to do, I remembered the times when we used to have dinner every Thursday and how he escorted me to Neelix's parties when I tried to duck out of them in favour of reports. I missed him somehow more then than any day in the past ten years, and I would have given anything to have his guidance before embarking on this journey. I knelt before him, brushing the leaves away from his name, and promised him that I would make it better. That I would spare him the pain he endured and give him a better and longer life. I did it all so wrong, I know that now. You have a chance to make it right._

'Hey,' Chakotay breathed gently, sensing her hold on him becoming stronger, 'is everything alright?'

Janeway pushed the tears back as they parted, smiling through it as though nothing could possibly be wrong.

'Of course,' she lied, 'it's just very emotional. I don't think it has quite hit me yet that we're home.'

'Me neither,' he admitted, though he wasn't convinced by her answer. 'Did Owen say I could let the rest of the Maquis know?'

'Yes, yes he did,' Janeway remembered at once, 'I'm so sorry he told me yesterday but I got caught up with…'

She waved her hands around as her thoughts trailed off, but the Admiral's words would not leave her.

 _We were so close for home when he left us. I kept asking him to hang on a little longer, but he just smiled at me as though he knew; I suppose he did. It wasn't until I saw his eyes close for the last time that I truly realised how much I had squandered away in my idiotic attempts to get us home. It felt more like a curse than a victory, and I felt no joy in seeing Earth through the viewport. I don't remember his funeral back on Earth. Physically I was there, but mentally I don't think I could accept that he was gone. I don't suppose I ever did. And now I know I can bring him back…_

'Kathryn?'

Janeway looked up at his concerned eyes and realised she had phased out for a moment.

'Hmm? Oh, sorry, I was miles away.'

Chakotay studied her for a moment and started to notice the slight slump in her posture and the beginning of shadows beneath her eyes. He looked at the room, seeing the mess across the desk and the truth started to dawn on him.

'You were here all night,' he said, rather than asked. She opened her mouth to correct him, but seeing that he already knew the truth she sighed and gave in.

'I lost track of time.'

It wasn't a complete lie, though it was far from the whole truth, but Chakotay knew her well enough to see past what she wasn't telling him and his worried expression alone was enough to start breaking down her already fragile walls.

'I didn't plan to,' she defended herself, 'I was just going to get a head start on some of the field reports but I couldn't concentrate. Something…well it distracted me, and then suddenly it was this morning and I now have even more to do than I did last night.'

He put a hand on her arm, light but comforting, and Janeway felt her resolve begin to crumble. But he couldn't know, not everything. It would put him in danger and he didn't deserve that.

'What's wrong, Kathryn?'

'I can't tell you,' she whispered, shaking her head.

'You can't, or you won't?' he asked carefully. 'You don't have to take on every burden yourself.'

'But this one I do,' she breathed. 'The Admiral left me a letter. She must have had it ready, and finished it off just before we re-entered the nebula.'

Chakotay was taken aback.

'What did she write about?'

Janeway's eyes glistened as she held his gaze.

'Her life.'

She didn't need to explain further for Chakotay to get the message. The Admiral had not only demolished the temporal prime directive once again but was clearly trying to use her dark past to somehow influence Kathryn, though to what end Chakotay could not comprehend.

'I can't say any more,' Janeway said definitively, 'it would only make things more complicated, but needless to say it kept me up last night.'

He wanted to hold her again, but somehow that felt like a distance they were not yet ready to cross. He didn't know how to make this better, he didn't know if he could. There was more at stake than just her feelings, and although that was what mattered to him he knew that she valued the regulations far more than her future self had done.

'You're not her, Kathryn,' he reminded her.

'But she was me,' she thought aloud, her voice cracking dangerously, 'and I was part of her, who she became. I feel like I know her now, even more than I did when she was here, and it…it scares me.'

Chakotay felt a deep pain in his chest, as though someone had taken his heart and squeezed it. She had admitted she was worried before, but she had never said with such clarity that she was scared. He could see tears forming in her eyes, though it was clear that she was trying to fight them, and her hands were trembling.

'You have to listen to me,' Chakotay breathed, putting his hands on her shoulders and holding her gaze fiercely. 'The Admiral is dead. That future is gone, along with her and everything she stood for. That letter is just an alternative universe that will now never be and you can choose your own way. You can be whoever you want to be, Kathryn, and I know you're not _that_ person. You won't tell me what the letter says, right? Because you value the laws of temporal mechanics and the prime directive, something she threw aside when she wrote it in the first place.'

A tear escaped, and Janeway let out a shuddering breath casting her eyes down. Chakotay reached up and brushed it away almost instinctively, drawing her gaze back to him. It was only once the delicate skin of his thumb touched her pale cheek that he realised it was a mistake. They were close now, only inches apart really, and even the slightest touch as he wiped away her tear sent a jolt of electricity up his arm. She was watching him intently, her breath still, and Chakotay knew that he had to be the one to decide what was going to happen. He remembered his father's words, and knew that to let his feelings cloud his judgement now could unsettle a delicate balance. Kathryn needed him in this moment, and bringing up the complex past they shared and feelings that hadn't been discussed would not help her. He placed a delicate kiss on her hairline, a gesture that somehow managed to say everything he wanted to say, and smiled at her gently to diffuse the tension of possibility that had built between them.

'It's going to be alright,' he assured her. 'We're home now, you did it.'

'We did it,' she corrected him automatically, and he chuckled which brought out a small but genuine smile from her as she reached up to rub her eyes.

'We did it,' he corrected himself. 'Don't let her ruin that. Let's just concentrate on getting back to Earth, for now.'

'Oh God I'd forgotten about those reports for a minute,' she groaned, reaching a hand to her head. Now that she had been able to speak candidly she was suddenly overwhelmed by tiredness, and was glad that they no longer needed to ration replicator use.

'Do you need a coffee?'

Kathryn smiled and gave a swift nod, appreciating how he already knew what she was thinking. He went over to her replicator and ordered her drink and by the time he had brought it back to her she had dried her eyes and they were back to their old selves, though the moment had been lost to neither of them.

'I received a message from Admiral Paris this morning that said we should aim to dock at McKinley Station in just over 48 hours,' she told him, taking comfort from having the strong warm drink safely in her hands. 'Deanna Troi is coming aboard today, and I think she wants to speak to as many of the crew as possible.'

'It might be a good idea,' he agreed, knowing that although she would benefit Kathryn would be avoiding Deanna like the plague. 'I heard the Doctor talking about a final physical for everyone on the crew as well.'

The Captain moaned, shaking her head. 'Can you take it for me?'

He laughed, bright and spontaneously, and the sound cheered her up more than she would care to admit.

'He might notice a few small differences,' he teased. 'I think I've had too much sleep in the last week to ever pass as you.'

'Fair point,' Janeway conceded, finishing off her coffee. 'I was thinking that we might have a gathering tomorrow night, a 'last night on Voyager' thing in the Mess Hall. I know there are plans for an official welcome home ball in a few weeks once the debriefings are over-'

'That sounds like a nice idea,' Chakotay acknowledged, 'I'll get right on it.'

Looking back towards her full desk Janeway sighed. She brought her hands up to her temples, trying to will away her headache.

'But before that, I actually have to do some work.'

Chakotay watched her sadly.

'Can't it wait? You look exhausted.'

'I am,' she admitted tiredly, 'but I don't want to jeopardise our homecoming by getting stuck in bureaucracy and I'm expected to have reports filed by the end of the day.'

'Alright,' he relented, 'but if I find out you've pulled another all-nighter tonight I'll have the Doctor do far worse than give you a physical.'

Janeway smiled, giving up on her headache.

'Understood.'

'Take care,' warned Chakotay one last time before leaving her.

The Captain shook her head to clear her thoughts, refilling her coffee and taking her place at her desk. Though she still felt slow with exhaustion, her head pounding, yet she felt better than she had done in hours; Chakotay had done that. He had known just what to say. She wouldn't let herself be consumed by the Admiral's fears, and she certainly wasn't going to allow herself to let Chakotay go.

Absentmindedly she touched her cheek, feeling her heart quicken at the memory of his touch. She hadn't felt anything like that, not in more years than she cared to remember. No, that wasn't quite true. Not since she had been left on a planet with a man who had opened his heart to her, and their hands had intertwined in a silent promise.

She shook those thoughts from her mind. Now wasn't the time, and she wasn't sure there would ever be a right time. She picked up the Admiral's padd and locked it in her desk with the highest level security codes, along with everything she was too afraid to feel, and returned to her work.

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 **Thanks so much for reading and would love it if you would leave a review!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Hey again, sorry for the slightly longer wait but I have been really busy and this chapter has been really difficult to get through for some reason. I've re-done it so many times and it has never felt quite right, but I'm hoping that once I'm past it the next chapters will be easier as I have a better idea of how to structure them.**

 **Such a massive thank you to everyone who is reading and especially the reviewers. Love you all! Dissertation due 1 week today, so have to do some work but will keep updating when I can. Thanks again and hope you enjoy.**

* * *

It felt like the longest day of her life. Every report seemed to take longer than the last, yet time did not seem to move accordingly dragging on minute by minute. By the time she sent the first swathe of reports off to Admiral Paris that afternoon she was sure that the only explanation was some sort of temporal loop. By the time the second lot were ready to go later on, she had a new theory; this was her punishment for how they had arrived home.

After discovering that she had spelt Voyager wrong, twice, Janeway realised that she was going to have to check everything before she sent it and started the slow process of revising and uploading the information. Thankfully it appeared to be only the last few reports where her spelling had failed her and she managed to correct it without too much hassle. When she finally sent them off she prayed to a deity she didn't believe in that she had been able to correctly write the name of her ship in her earlier communications.

When her combadge chirped it startled her to the point where she physically flinched. She expected it to be Chakotay checking up on her and smiled warmly, tapping it to open the line.

'Janeway here.'

 _'Captain.'_

When the voice of the Doctor came sounding out Janeway's smile immediately faltered, and she felt as if what little energy she had left had been sapped from her bones.

'What is it Doctor?'

 _'As you should know from the multiple messages I have sent to your station, Starfleet require me to do a final physical examination of everyone on the ship.'_

She did know from Chakotay, but had to admit that when his messages had registered on her screen she had decided against opening them for the time being. She slumped in her chair, closing her eyes and bringing a hand to her forehead.

'Can't I do it tomorrow? I've got quite a lot still to do up here.'

 _'And I haven't?'_

She couldn't help but chuckle at that.

 _'Captain, everyone else has reported for their physical without complaint and you are the last on my list. I would also note that you are the only one who has not received a routine examination in the last six months.'_

Janeway sighed heavily, shaking her head.

'So what you're saying is I do not have a choice.'

 _'Precisely.'_

'And I assume if I tell you I'll be there shortly-'

 _'I would contact Commander Chakotay and ask him in no uncertain terms to carry you down here.'_

She had to stop herself from laughing aloud. She could imagine the scene; he would appear, a sheepish grin on his face, and tell her 'sorry, Kathryn, Doctor's orders' before scooping her up in his strong arms and carrying her down to the biobeds. She briefly considering calling the Doctor's bluff; it would be a far more interesting method of transportation, but remembering the sall shred of dignity she still had Janeway came to her senses.

'Alright Doctor, I'm on my way,' she relented, dragging herself to her feet and stretching her protesting limbs, tilting her heads to ease the knots in her shoulder muscles. She caught a glance at the chronometer and saw that it was already 22:00. After the day had dragged on for so long she had never thought that it might actually come to an end. Chakotay hadn't called on her after all. She didn't try to hide her disappointment, but the rational part of her brain was taking over; it wasn't his job to make sure that she was alright, and she certainly didn't need anyone telling her to eat or sleep though the Doctor would probably try once she arrived. No, she didn't need a babysitter. But she couldn't deny that it was nice to have someone who cared enough to ask, just every now and again.

She found her mind wandering, thinking about what might have kept him. Probably Seven, she reasoned; a candlelit dinner or maybe a trip to the holodeck. It wasn't any of her business, she scolded herself, yet the curious part of her still wanted to know. She wanted to ask him about it, so that she could understand better why he had chosen to start a relationship with Seven after staying unattached for so long. It did strike her as somewhat of an odd match, not one that would immediately spring to mind, but she stopped herself again. She was going to be happy for them, for her own sake as much as theirs. Did they not deserve happiness too, after all they had been through?

By the time she reached sickbay Janeway was already drained from conversing with herself, and she suspected that the Doctor was not going to provide her with light relief. He spotted her and grinned triumphantly, leaving his office to meet her.

'Captain,' he beamed, 'take a seat. We are quite alone this evening.'

She chose the nearest biobed and sat on the edge, almost wincing at the sharp sound of the tricorder snapping open and beginning its scans.

'How have you been?'

'Fine,' she said dismissively.

'Really?' he countered. 'Because I don't even need to scan you to see that you're exhausted.'

Janeway sighed, having very much expected the lecture. She allowed her head to hang forwards, her eyes closing as she rubbed them with one hand.

'It's been a long day,' she admitted. 'And a long seven years.'

'That it has,' the Doctor admitted, softening slightly. 'Captain, your cortisol level is the highest I have ever seen it. When was the last time you got some rest?'

Janeway tried to think back, but after the Admiral's arrival every hour had seemed to blur into the next.

'I can't remember,' she mumbled.

'Before the Admiral?' he guessed, and sighed aloud when she nodded. 'Captain, one of these days I'm going to confine you to sickbay until you learn to take better care of yourself.'

'I'd like to see you try,' Janeway smirked. She had to admit that now her mind was no longer occupied with the reports that had taken up so much of her time, she was feeling the weight of the last few days more vividly.

'I would say we got home not a moment too soon,' the Doctor said only half-jokingly. 'Another day on nothing but coffee and you'd have been visiting me against your will.'

'I'm fine,' she reiterated, 'just busy.'

'Captain, we're back in the alpha quadrant; it's over,' he reminded her gently. 'There may be a lot of work left to do, but there is nothing so pressing that can't wait for a proper meal or a good night's sleep. What was so important last night that it wouldn't allow you the sleep your body desperately craved?'

She held his gaze, her blue eyes flashing as though in warning.

'It's far from over,' she told him darkly. The Doctor looked shocked, worry lines creasing his normally unmarred forehead.

'What does that mean?'

She smiled to try and ease his unrest, though it didn't quite reach her eyes.

'Just that there are going to be a lot more late nights in my future,' she explained vaguely, 'and a lot more coffee.'

The Doctor was not quite willing to let it go, noting the increase in her heart rate as he continued his scans. Did she know something he didn't about them getting home, or was she just thinking about the upcoming debriefings? Either way he could sense the discord she was trying to keep buried.

'Captain, if there's something you're worried about then Deanna-'

'Deanna Troi is a wonderful counsellor and a friend of a friend,' she interrupted him, 'but there is really nothing that she can help me with.'

'Then perhaps there is something I can do?'

Janeway felt her heart melt a little. The Doctor had come so far that she now rarely remembered that he was a hologram, considering him more of a friend. But she wasn't about to instil her burden on others. She had been assured that his fate, as with that of everyone on board, was safe. He could take his emitter and go on to do whatever he wished. She wondered if he would go to Jupiter Station and work with Doctor Zimmerman, or apply for a position at Starfleet Medical. Either way, he didn't need her worries on top of his own.

'Yes,' she said simply, climbing down from the biobed. 'You can pretend that I've come in a picture of health, place a not-too-damning report in my file and send me on my way with a slap on the wrist. Trust that I know what I'm doing, Doctor, and I'll promise to get some sleep.'

The Doctor sighed, knowing what she was asking of him. She wanted him to let it go, and not just for her own sake but for the sake of whatever crusade he assumed she had taken up.

'As your Doctor that is the last thing I should do,' he started. 'But as your friend, I can make a compromise.'

'State your terms,' asked Janeway.

'You let me give you a sedative and send you back to your quarters for a decent night of rest. I'll even throw in a shot of glucose and vitamins so you're off the hook until breakfast, but I can't let you walk out of here on the verge of collapse without knowing you are going to sleep.'

Janeway sighed, mulling over his suggestion. She had to admit that she was probably too tired to get any real work done until morning anyway, and with the party tomorrow evening she had to be productive during the day.

'Alright,' she agreed, 'but that report better be glowing.'

He administered the hyposprays to her neck, warning her that she had about ten minutes before she fell asleep no matter where she was. Just as she was about to leave, he caught her arm and she turned back to face him.

'Captain if there is ever anything you want to talk about, off the medical records so to speak, you know I'm always here.'

This time her smile was genuine, her eyes sparkling with appreciation.

'Thank you, Doctor, I'll think about that.'

Xxx

She was already feeling it by the time she reached her quarters. She had planned on having a shower or a bath before slipping into bed but she realised that she wasn't going to make it, and instead kicked off her boots and shed uniform onto the floor as she changed into her favourite nightgown. She was so tired that she had hardly closed her eyes before she was dragged down deep into the unconscious world, one where she had no control over her own thoughts.

 _The kiss to her forehead was soft, the feeling of his lips against her skin heavenly in ways she could not describe. His thumb had brushed the tear from her cheek so gently that she had hardly felt it, but his hand still lingered cupping her face._

 _'It's going to be alright,' he assured her. 'We're home now, you did it.'_

 _'We did it,' she corrected him, but he did not laugh. He looked as serious as he ever had, his deep brown eyes so dark she swore she was lost within them._

 _'You did it,' he said again, brushing her hair behind her ear with a feather-light touch. She felt a shiver run through her body. Her heart was pounding, faster and faster as he moved to close the gap between them. At first she panicked. After all, this was so wrong. He was with Seven; he loved her they were going to get married. Yet she couldn't bring herself to say no. She could feel the soft heat of his breath against her tingling lips. She reached up and took a fistful of his uniform jacket, wanting to pull him closer. Her eyes closed, tears spilling down her face. She could feel his lips cover hers, and fireworks exploded in her mind as she felt a hundred sensations all at once. She clung to him desperately, never wanting this moment to end._

 _A sharp pain knifed through her chest, causing her to gasp and pull away. When she looked back at who was standing before her it was Justin, the man she had once loved more than anything in the world and who had died on Tau Ceti Prime over fifteen years ago. She inhaled sharply, backing away until she felt the wall behind her._

 _'He's not yours, Kath,' he said softly, his gaze almost pitying._

 _'Y-you're…you're…'_

 _'I'm here,' he assured her, respecting her by keeping his distance. 'Until you accept how you feel you can never be free. You have to allow yourself to feel it.'_

 _'Feel? Feel what?'_

 _Justin smiled, already beginning to fail._

 _'I think you know.'_

 _At first she saw herself, older, grey-white hair and an Admiral's uniform in place, standing over a gravestone. She remembered how they had chosen the plot, her and B'Elanna, finding a place on a hill beneath a tree which overlooked the city of San Francisco and all of the promises it had held. She knelt beside the stone, tears in her eyes, and lay the peace rose beside his name._

 _'I never told you,' she whispered. 'Now I never will.'_

 _The scene changed. Everyone was dressed to the nines in the mess hall, and Chell had prepared a feast like none she had ever seen. She was in her dress uniform, standing beneath a rose-covered archway as the others gathered around and Chakotay took his place before her. He was in a traditional charcoal suit, smiling from ear to ear as he awaited his bride. For a moment she thought it was her that he was smiling for, but that fantasy was dashed the moment Seven walked towards the Commander in a dress of the whitest silk she had ever seen. She seemed to float rather than walk, her blonde hair loose and framing her radiant face. She smiled as she took Chakotay's arm, and he looked down at her with what could only be described as adoration. Her throat was scratchy as she tried to speak, to perform the ceremony that would unite them, but she did it. She had to._

 _Once it was done she let herself blend into the crowd, holding back as the newlyweds laughed and danced with the rest of the crew. It hurt, more than she had ever thought it would. She slipped away to her room long before the night was over. Why did it hurt so much?_

 _She kept the lights off when she entered her quarters, preferring the solitude of darkness. She replicated a glass of strong whisky, draining it in a single gulp and relishing the burn as it scorched her throat. Making a spontaneous decision she replicated an entire bottle; within an hour it was almost gone. She knocked the glass to the floor as her coordination began to fail her, watching it shatter without being able to do a thing to stop it. Fitting, she thought. Practically falling to her knees she tried to pick up the pieces, but felt the sharp sting as the glass cut into her hand. She stared at the blood for a while as it traced a line down her palm, her thoughts turning darker. They didn't need her anymore. She had become an observer in her own life and she hated it._

 _She got to her feet, abandoning the glass and walking up to the bathroom mirror. She looked awful. She could see the first few grey hairs shimmering amongst the sea of auburn, a sign of things to come. Sighing heavily, she turned away and crawled into bed. It wasn't going to be that easy to get away. She would rather give her life for something worthy, like getting them home as she had promised ten years earlier. She closed her eyes, a single tear falling onto the pillow beneath her._

Kathryn fell harshly back into the waking world, sitting bolt upright in bed gasping for breath as though her body had been starved of oxygen. Her bedclothes were dishevelled, her pillows strewn across the floor as evidence of her distress and her entire body was trembling. All of her senses were on high alert, her heart hammering against her ribs.

It had been so real. She could still feel the ache in her chest, the tingling of her lips where they had… _oh God_ , she thought. But this was stronger, more vivid than a simple dream. She could still feel the burn of the alcohol, taste it on the back of her tongue. She looked down at the palm of her hand, untainted by a cut and yet still prickling almost painfully. She was going to be sick.

Running into the bathroom she dropped to her knees and emptied the contents of her stomach, unable to stop the tears from streaming down her cheeks. She continued to heave long after her stomach was empty, feeling drained and lightheaded at the effort. Her mind was going into overdrive, and she had to force herself to try and breathe normally as panic began to rise within her. It was just a dream, she told herself.

Pulling herself up Kathryn washed her face and hands in the sink, the cold water feeling soothing against her burning skin. She dried off, but as she looked up she caught sight of herself in the mirror. Her hair was white. Kathryn cried out, backing away until she came against the wall and covered her face with her hands. This wasn't happening. It wasn't real.

After a few moments she had to know, and shakily removed her hands to look at herself once again. Her hair, though unsightly, was still auburn and her face did not hold quite so many lines of age. She was herself, and she let out a strangled gasp of relief as she slid down the bathroom door until she had crumpled to the floor.

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 **Hope it was okay and would love to hear your thoughts!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Sorry that this chapter is a bit shorter and a bit of a filler, but I know that I might not be able to post what was supposed to be the second half of this chapter for a couple of days so I split it up. Work is being ridiculously difficult and breakdown inducing so until that is done I can't find the time to write, but it should all be finished by the weekend which is good news.**

 **Firstly, thank you so much to everyone who has reviewed. You are really keeping me going through a rubbish time.**

 **Secondly, I had been meaning to explain earlier about the extra anthology references that some people may not have read. I will post them here and back in chapter 1 so that anyone who hasn't read any of the Mosaic/Isabo's Shirt stuff can get some context. But it shouldn't be referenced much from here on out, it was just a plot device at the time after I re-read Mosaic and got reminiscent.**

 **So: for those who haven't read any of the additional material this is an overview of what is referenced**

 **Venice - From the short story. Somewhere in season 5, J gave C a birthday present that he thought meant she loved him but it was just supposed to mean friendship. Basically they kissed, on the holodeck in Venice, and it was beautiful but they had to have a talk about their relationship and how it couldn't happen while they were on board and they agreed to be friends thereafter, but with a sort of unspoken promise that they knew how they felt.**

 **Justin - Justin Tighe, Kathryn's first fiancé and first love who died with her father on Tau Ceti Prime when she was maybe 25/26. A reminder of her past and her ability to love, basically.**

 **Hope you enjoy the chapter and more J/C angsty feels stuff will be in the next chapter I promise.**

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'Computer what time is it?' she whispered, after what could have been minutes or hours trying to calm herself on the cold bathroom floor.

 _'The time is 0300 hours,'_ the voice stated coldly.

Janeway didn't know whether that was a good or bad thing, but decided that having some time before she was expected to speak with Admiral Paris in the morning was probably best. After getting over the initial shock of her dream, or whatever it had been, her scientific mind had started to try and come up with possible suggestions. The most likely scenario was that her mind had constructed these images based on what she had read in the Admiral's letter. She knew that she had been the one to marry Chakotay and Seven, and the Admiral had expressed a certain level of disconnect and regret in her musings. She had also explained about where Chakotay had been buried, going into far too much chilling detail about the spot they had chosen. She had known these things when she had fallen asleep that night, however somehow it felt like more than that. It had felt so real, so believable that she wondered whether something else was at work.

She knew what she had to do; the only person who could determine whether her memory had been influenced or altered was the Doctor. As much as she wanted to forget what had just happened, she knew that it wasn't going to leave her anytime soon and starting to rationalise it would be easier than letting it eat away at her.

Slowly, she got to her feet and left the room to find her uniform.

Xxx

Sickbay was dark when she entered, and the when she checked with the computer the Doctor was inactive. At least they were alone. Taking a deep breath and placing a security lock on the door, she said the words.

'Computer, activate the EMH.'

The Doctor materialised before her, and his look of confusion was immediately replaced by concern.

'Captain?' he asked, walking towards her. 'You look even worse than the last time I saw you.'

'Thanks for that,' she muttered, though she had caught her reflection in the mirror and couldn't deny it was true. The mirror reminded her of the image she had seen of her older self looking back at her and her breathing started to quicken.

'Captain?' the Doctor said again, pulling her back to reality. He placed a gentle hand on her arm. 'What happened? You're shaking.'

Janeway broke free of his hold and walked a few steps past him, hating that she couldn't hold herself together. She gripped one of the biobeds with both hands and closed her eyes, trying to steady herself. She heard the Doctor start to scan her but he respected the distance she had put between them and for that she was grateful.

'You have an abnormally high level of adrenaline in your system,' he explained to her. 'Your heart rate is far too high and your respiratory rate is climbing. You need to try and regulate your breathing and relax otherwise you're going to faint. I can give you a sedative-'

She held up one hand to stop him.

'I'll be alright I just need a moment.'

It took a full minute or so before Janeway turned to face the Doctor, brushing the hair from her face and shaking her head.

'I'm sorry.'

'There is no need to apologise,' he assured her. 'But if I'm going to be of any help, then I'm going to need to know what happened.'

She looked at him, a battle waging within her about how much to tell him.

'Earlier, you said that I could always come to you…as a friend,' she reminded him.

'Of course,' he said at once.

'I need this to be one of those times. I can't have this on any record, or in any file. I can't-'

She composed herself for a second before continuing.

'No-one else can know.'

The Doctor, seeing her unprecedented level of distress, was quick to agree. He had never seen her so shaken, not since after she had woken from the experience with the alien that had tried to coax her into some sort of afterlife. Then she hadn't spoken for a full day, only asking to return to her quarters. He hadn't been able to help her then, and he only hoped that he could fare better now.

'I need to know if the Admiral, or anyone, has altered my memory,' Janeway stated simply.

The Doctor was understandably shocked.

'What makes you think that she did?'

'When I fell asleep last night, I had…dreams,' she started, realising now how weak it sounded. 'But they weren't my dreams. It felt like they were her memories, snapshots from her life. They were so vivid that I could feel what she felt, even for a while after I woke up.'

'What were the dreams about?'

Janeway stopped, feeling heat rise in her cheeks.

'They were…personal in nature,' she said quietly. 'It felt like they were moments of importance for her, and of regret.'

The Doctor saw, as her eyes couldn't quite meet his, that whatever it was she had seen was something she was not ready to talk about.

'Why don't you lie down,' he suggested, 'and I'll perform a molecular scan of your brain. It may take a few minutes.'

'Thank you,' she breathed, hoisting herself onto the bed with some difficulty and lying down feeling the pounding in her head increasing as her head made contact with the cushioned surface. Seeing her discomfort the Doctor prepared a hypospray and offered it to her, which she gladly accepted. He set the software to scan as he performed his own tricorder analysis, noting her imbalanced electrolytes and still racing heart rate with some concern.

'You said that you felt what she felt,' the EMH recalled, 'what did you mean?'

'It felt physically as though I was experiencing what she was,' Janeway explained wearily. 'She cut herself and I felt the pain, she drank alcohol and I could taste it; it was unsettling.'

'And…emotionally?'

She sighed, closing her eyes for a moment as she tried to push back the images of the wedding, the blood, the feeling of loss…

'I felt what must have been her reactions to the situation,' she tried to explain. 'She was…sad, full of regret and despair. When I woke up I could still feel the echo of those emotions in the back of my mind, almost like another presence.'

The Doctor checked the computer and brought up the results of the scan. The Captain sat up, swinging her legs over the side of the bed and waiting to hear what he had to say.

'You do have a small imbalance in the levels of some of the neurotransmitters in your brain,' he noted, 'but I think those can be attributed to your reaction to this startling experience.'

He turned to her, his expression almost apologetic.

'There have been no alterations to your hippocampus or cingulate gyrus,' he told her gently. 'All of your memory engrams are accounted for, and none are showing signs of unusual activity.'

Janeway's face fell and she sighed defeatedly.

'My memory hasn't been altered,' she whispered, and the Doctor could only agree with her. She let her heavy head fall into her hands.

'So I'm just crazy,' she mumbled.

'No, not at all,' the Doctor corrected her at once. 'Captain, am I correct in assuming you've had nightmares before.'

She chuckled darkly.

'You would be correct.'

'So you know what they feel like,' he explained. 'And you know how it feels to have another presence in your mind. Something caused you to associated this dr-…this experience with a high level of fear and anxiety, enough that it would bring you to me. You know your own mind, Captain, and you knew something wasn't right.'

'But that doesn't change anything,' she said frankly, letting her hands fall back to her sides. 'It was a dream, Doc, face it. A horrible one, yes, but a dream.'

The Doctor felt a flood of sympathy for his patient, his friend. She looked so defeated and haunted by what she had seen that he knew nothing he could say would provide a cure, not unless he could find something to explain what she had been through.

'These…snapshots, of her life. Were they things she told you about?' he asked.

'She mentioned them in passing,' Janeway admitted, 'but not to the level of detail that I saw. Then again my mind could have filled in the blanks and created these scenarios. It's the simplest explanation after all.'

'I can run further analysis on these scans,' he suggested, 'and if it happens again we can put a cortical monitor on you while you're sleeping to try and pick up anything.'

She smiled weakly, but it didn't reach her eyes.

'That's kind, Doctor, but you don't have to trouble yourself.'

'What else am I going to do?' he asked, trying to lighten the mood. 'We're home, Captain, my job is done. I can choose what happens next, and it won't be any inconvenience to try and help you figure this out.'

'I appreciate that,' Janeway said warmly, putting a hand on his shoulder before lowering herself shakily to the ground. Her head had gone from feeling like it weighed as much as the Earth to being as light as a feather in a single second and she had to steady herself.

'You're exhausted,' the Doctor sighed. 'Let me give you another sedative, put you into a deeper sleep.'

'No,' she said at once, a flash of what could only be fear appearing in her eyes.

'Captain,' he said, trying to ground her, 'I understand, I do, but a stronger dose should lower the activity of your brain so that you don't have to dream. You need to get some rest.'

Janeway sighed again, feeling inadequate. Forty two years old and couldn't take care of herself; her mother would be proud.

'I have a meeting with Admiral Paris at 9,' she remembered, thinking aloud.

'You have weeks to meet with him,' the Doctor countered, 'he's not going anywhere.'

'But Tuvok is.'

Tuvok was scheduled to leave the ship in the morning to board the Enterprise where his family were waiting for him. They would travel with him to Vulcan, beginning his treatment before allowing him to recover on his home world.

'I want to make sure he gets off okay.'

The Doctor sighed, preparing a different hypospray.

'This will keep you mildly sedated for four hours,' he told her. 'You won't feel as rested when you wake up, but you won't go into REM sleep either and should feel better in the morning.'

Her smile, this time, was more genuine.

'Thank you, Doctor, that would be perfect.'

She allowed him to press the instrument to her neck, hoping that it would act as quickly if not as well as the first. She hated the flicker of fear that she felt when thinking about returning to her quarters, to her bedroom. A Starfleet Captain should not fall prey to a simple nightmare. She had been hoping to find answers, anything that would rationalise it, but now she was forced to address the fact that her own mind had conjured these images.

Justin had told her that she needed to allow herself to feel, and that she already knew what this was supposed to mean. Perhaps that meant that this was something she had to figure out for herself, and until she worked out the meaning behind her experience then she would never be able to move past it. Her tired mind tried to concentrate on everything she had seen, bringing forth the images one after the other, but all she could feel was the pain associated with them and nothing deeper. The Doctor was right, she needed rest. Perhaps when her mind was sharper then she would be able to decipher what it was she was supposed to understand.

'I think I'll head back to my quarters now. Thank you, Doctor,' she said softly, turning towards the door.

'Any time,' he said genuinely, his brow creasing with concern as she walked slowly out of sickbay. 'And be sure to eat breakfast in the morning!'

Xxx

As Kathryn arrived back in her room she didn't bother taking off her uniform. She went over to her chair, taking the blanket from the back and settling herself into a comfortable position. The drug was starting to take effect and she was grateful for it, feeling her thoughts begin to drift from the moment her eyelids closed. She hoped that she did not dream again. She couldn't face it, couldn't face her absent future. Not yet.


End file.
